Death

Until recently, I have been living life with the thought of death in the very back of my head. I never really gave it much thought, when I did I would become very anxious. Most of us think it will happen to us when we are old and that we don’t have to worry about it now. Lately the realization that we do not last forever has been very apparent, almost inescapable.

I lost my best friend of ten years 6 years ago. He was 33, the age Jesus was when died. That was the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. He had been struggling with his alcoholism for a long time. We always talked about trying to be together romantically, but I told him he needed to do some work on himself and remain sober. His alcoholism would have been detrimental to him, to us. Drinking for him was very dangerous, he would have seizures from the withdrawal. He became someone else when he drank. I have seen alcoholism, I grew up with it, but never to this extent. After many attempts to stay sober, he was finally really doing it. He was really working on his life and mending the broken pieces. He lived in Arizona at the time and we spoke nearly every day. We talked about how great he was doing and were planning on him coming back in November so we could finally take our relationship to the next level. He died at the end of August.

I was in class last Wednesday and we were discussing death. We had to write our own obituaries, it was an interesting assignment. I spoke up about how I have been faced with the realization that my body is falling apart and have been contemplating death more lately. I’m not quite sure how to explain this whole emotional process I have been going through. Being forced to deal with all of these things that normally happen to much older people is scary. What is my body going to be like in 5 or 10 years? Is this how I am going to die, my body is just going to fall apart on me? How do I deal with the reality that my body will no longer allow me to fulfill all of my hopes and dreams? What kind of quality of life will I have now? Am I going to be in pain for the rest of it? What am I going to do, and how am I going to survive financially?

I walked out of class feeling rather deflated and I heard my R2D2 text tone go off. I looked down at my phone and received the message that my friend Mike had passed away. He was also 33, way too young. Many people I know suffer greatly with this loss. At the funeral I saw him, the second dead body I have seen my whole life. That body wasn’t Mikey any longer, it looked like him, but I knew then he was gone. The reality really sunk in as I stood there staring at his lifeless body.

Both Mikey and Erik no longer have to suffer, that brings a little bit of comfort I suppose. They were both taken too soon, they had so much more life to live, so much more to give the world. I still haven’t been able to fill the hole that Erik left and now there is a new one. This hole is felt not just by me, but by the entire community we shared.

Lately I am scared to go on Facebook because of all the recent loss in our community and I realize the older I get, the more loss I am going to face. I never thought I would face so much of it in my youth and early adulthood. I envisioned all my loved ones growing old with me, than reality hit. We are fragile, any one of us could go at any moment. We get to choose how we live our lives. Granted we may not be able to choose what happens to our bodies or when we leave this earth, but we can choose how we spend the rest of our days. Life is precious. I have learned through all this that I need to cherish those close to me, and most importantly I need to cherish myself. Give someone a hug today and tell them you love them.

Advertisements

Dear Mikey

I am in a positive psych class and our assignment was to write a thank you letter to someone. I chose Mikey who left us yesterday. It saddens me that he will never read it, but I needed to write it. He was much too young and will be missed more than he knows. Like my best friend Erik that passed away and fought many of the same battles. Both of them gone at 33 which is much too young, but I know neither of them have to fight these battles any longer. If you want to help with his services you can do so here Mikey benefit

Please feel free to share your thanks to Mike and/or stories in the comments below.

Dear Mikey,

It saddens me with a huge heart that you are gone. I want to write you this thank you letter even if I cannot give it to you. I want to thank you for never judging me too harshly even when you were around to see some of the stupid mistakes I made. I want to thank you for being patient with me when you wanted to take our friendship to a different level and I wasn’t ready yet. I want to thank you for always being the sweetest, most caring person when we were together. I want to thank you for trying to cheer me up in times of woe. You really cared deeply for others and were often so selfless and kind. I want to thank you for putting others before yourself at times even if you really needed to take care of your self-first. I want to thank you for showing me what strength really is, and for fighting this tremendous battle that you had to fight. I want to thank you for sharing your music, the honest and talented musician that you were. I want to thank you for making me laugh and cheering me up when I was down. I want to thank you for sharing your passions with me and showing me that kind of passion exists. I will miss you and the world has a void now without your presence. I am going to go watch a horror movie in your honor and will be missing your company.

photo credits: Aaron Thackeray

photo credit: Aaron Thackeray

The derail

I suppose technically I had signs the derail was on its way. There were a few break downs prior which I repaired as they came. After a significant car accident, I was diagnosed with three bulged discs in my back which caused my left thigh to go numb and my back to “go out” as they say. I went through fluoroscopic injections, physical therapy, acupuncture and yoga. I suppose I didn’t want to admit this was a problem not so easily repaired. I would have flair-ups and occasional bouts of pain which I dealt with as they came. I was able to continue working and maintain a mostly normal life.

Around the same time my relationship of almost 3 years began to get pretty rocky. You know when you love someone so much, but you realize you aren’t really compatible and want different things? We had a puppy, a house, and had built a life together the past few years. As hard as it was, two weeks before my 30th birthday we decided to call it quits. These things happen, and life goes on, our trains continue trekking. Then came 30, and that’s when my train derailed.

The first train car came off the track when I met the man I thought I had been looking for. He was everything I wanted: kind, loving, affectionate, giving, and he made me feel loved and wanted. Needless to say, I felt like I was fooled and being cheated on is no fun. I ended up not liking the person I became with him and found it hard to trust him and move on after that. I didn’t feel like I was loved and understood after that and it ended badly.

The second car followed when my back started acting up again and weird symptoms arose so I started to see a neurologist. He decided to get an MRI of my brain to figure out why I had numbness and pain throughout my body. He found a lesion in my cerebellum and told me it wasn’t linked to my symptoms, it was also a fluke they found it. I was told to wait 3 months to see what it does.

Finally, my back decided to completely fail me one day during work. I ended up in the hospital for 10 days while they tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn’t walk or move without the most unbearable pain I have ever felt. It had to have been bad because I have a high tolerance, I have many tattoos I simply floated through. They couldn’t find the problem (which was right under their nose) and I have been seeing doctor after doctor ever since. The verdict: spinal arthritis due to degenerating discs.

This brings us to the current day. I have lost by job due to becoming a “liability” and not being able to physically work anymore. I loved my job and I miss it dearly. This is my life now, I walk with a walker, the social and concert going me is gone, and I’m barely making school work. Pain is daily and prevents me from doing many things. I am working on my optimism, but I am being tested. Now that we are caught up, welcome to my journey, the good, the bad and the ugly.