The derail

I suppose technically I had signs the derail was on its way. There were a few break downs prior which I repaired as they came. After a significant car accident, I was diagnosed with three bulged discs in my back which caused my left thigh to go numb and my back to “go out” as they say. I went through fluoroscopic injections, physical therapy, acupuncture and yoga. I suppose I didn’t want to admit this was a problem not so easily repaired. I would have flair-ups and occasional bouts of pain which I dealt with as they came. I was able to continue working and maintain a mostly normal life.

Around the same time my relationship of almost 3 years began to get pretty rocky. You know when you love someone so much, but you realize you aren’t really compatible and want different things? We had a puppy, a house, and had built a life together the past few years. As hard as it was, two weeks before my 30th birthday we decided to call it quits. These things happen, and life goes on, our trains continue trekking. Then came 30, and that’s when my train derailed.

The first train car came off the track when I met the man I thought I had been looking for. He was everything I wanted: kind, loving, affectionate, giving, and he made me feel loved and wanted. Needless to say, I felt like I was fooled and being cheated on is no fun. I ended up not liking the person I became with him and found it hard to trust him and move on after that. I didn’t feel like I was loved and understood after that and it ended badly.

The second car followed when my back started acting up again and weird symptoms arose so I started to see a neurologist. He decided to get an MRI of my brain to figure out why I had numbness and pain throughout my body. He found a lesion in my cerebellum and told me it wasn’t linked to my symptoms, it was also a fluke they found it. I was told to wait 3 months to see what it does.

Finally, my back decided to completely fail me one day during work. I ended up in the hospital for 10 days while they tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn’t walk or move without the most unbearable pain I have ever felt. It had to have been bad because I have a high tolerance, I have many tattoos I simply floated through. They couldn’t find the problem (which was right under their nose) and I have been seeing doctor after doctor ever since. The verdict: spinal arthritis due to degenerating discs.

This brings us to the current day. I have lost by job due to becoming a “liability” and not being able to physically work anymore. I loved my job and I miss it dearly. This is my life now, I walk with a walker, the social and concert going me is gone, and I’m barely making school work. Pain is daily and prevents me from doing many things. I am working on my optimism, but I am being tested. Now that we are caught up, welcome to my journey, the good, the bad and the ugly.


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